So I had one of the strangest dreams of my life last night. Terrifying only in how sad it was – I think I might’ve been crying in my sleep last night.
I dreamed that I was going to get married, finally!Skipping all the stuff I barely remember anyway, I got my whole family and friends together. We had a space (a church??? Really, dreams?), everyone was there. Strangely, it seemed that nobody else was READY for it except me. Now mind you, I had no memory of making arrangements with anyone, but yet nobody in the wedding party was ready. As in, there wasn’t one!
As I’m standing in the back, I realize that there’s nobody to walk me down the aisle. This part is sort of a quiet screaming fear in the back of my head, quite likely really, that my Dad won’t be willing to give me away. This is probably true, sadly, and one of the things that upset me the most about this dream. Even if he does, I doubt he’ll be happy or proud, or for that matter, anything less than ashamed.
So I go to get up and get everything ready to go, and go up to the altar, sans any typical procession or anything, when I realize – I’m not prepared at all. I go over to talk to my cousin Deb, one of my biggest advisors and trustees in the family to talk about it. Of course, at this point there’s nothing she can do. There’s nobody there to do the marrying (yes, Francesca and Lynn, I know, you’re both qualified and more than willing, but this is a dream, there is no logic there), and moreover, there’s nobody to marry!
Standing in the shadow of the tank (yes, there is apparently a tank in the church because we’re in imminent danger for some reason, and we need a TANK to defend us), I begin to panic. At some point, I just ran out of the church in full panic attack.Curiously, from the outside of the church, it looked more like a typical courthouse as much as it did a church (Athenian Architecture, columns, the whole bit). Dream ended there.
So, just sort of picking out a few details, I think I can pick up the strands from which this dream was constructed.
– The wedding: Well, aside from the fact that I have been itching to get married since I was probably 16 (and perhaps planning that out more than I’ll admit), that’s a pretty fair start. That said, more recently, my cousin Paul just got engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Erica. A long way off from the big day, sure, but certainly a good way to steer my brain to thinking about such things.
– The church: I suppose my brain just sort of picked that one out. Considering that I’m converting to Judaism, it would make sense that it would be elsewhere, but the synagogue I am currently regularly attending has its home in a church it rents space from. (Although, the church is an Episcopal one, ergo, no Greek architecture. The culprit there is likely from being down at Centre Street in Manhattan, pending the finale of my name change.) Ok, sense made.
– Tank: Too many reports of the shit going on over in Libya. Fine, fair.
– Nobody to marry: I have been quite lonely of late. I suspect this has a great deal to do with that horrifying realization. I suspect I feel like I will never find anyone, even though I have a date tonight and it actually promises to be a good one. So so strange.
(I just ask that people spare me any sarcastic comments. I’m a little shaken up by this.)