Monthly Archives: June 2011

Apathy and Ambivalence Towards Religion

First of all, sorry for missing a little bit of time. My absence is less about writers’ block and more about having too much to write about (and do). I will post soon about the abundance of things which I have to write about, so expect a flood of posts soon. It’s simply been difficult for me to figure out how to write about it in the context of this blog, and format it in ways that I can really express my feelings and thoughts in. With more and more stuff backing up, it’s only gotten harder.

I don’t know if it’s a matter of losing faith, so much, or perhaps losing your belief/enthusiasm in a specific religion, something that happens for so many people, but I’ve noticed a distinct malaise about religion, specifically Judaism, in most of the people I’ve surrounded myself with. In fact, I’ve more than simply noticed it, it was literally stated to me in precisely those words by someone who has been something of a tutor to me in the basics of Judaism.

Admittedly, I’m not entirely sure of what to make of this. I certainly don’t hold her honesty against her, nor am I upset about it, but it does leave me with questions, and they come from more than just her. Many of the other Jewish friends I have are largely secular, again, making me wonder what it is, precisely, that makes me still want to pursue the religious aspects of Judaism, while they all turn away from those same aspects.

I know that this is, in some ways, no different to my relationship with religion and G-d than anyone of any other descent or country. Just because you’re born Jewish doesn’t mean you need to be of the Jewish faith. In a lot of ways, I’m still very lucky to know many of these people, as they are the ones who have helped me in my own path and process by showing me some of the things I might otherwise not have known.

Right now, I am not really being affected by this. In a lot of respects, this is simply the ‘ritual hazing’ of the convert, a common story among those of us looking to convert to Judaism. On the other hand, it does make me wonder how to go forward while it seems like everyone else is going the other direction.

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Unexpected Endings

This weekend was truly surprising, in so many ways. I attended the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference (more to come on that in a separate post), and honestly, it was one of the best experiences of my life. I met so many fantastic people, made many new very genuine friends, and my life and identity as a trans woman evolved in ways I never expected. I cannot say, for certain, what it will all work out to mean in the long run, but I know I will never forget it. But like I said, more on this later.

Speaking of people and things I will never forget, my Nana, Joyce, my grandmother, passed away suddenly last night. According to the report from the EMTs, she was reported as having collapsed at a local pharmacy, and they worked on her for 30 minutes, plus another 15 at the hospital. Sadly, they weren’t able to get her back.

This is the second person I’ve lost who was very close to me in a month. I’m honestly in a bit of a fog right now, coming down off such a high from this weekend, to such a low late last night and into this morning. I’m doing about as well as could be expected, I suppose, but I’m more than a little confused about things in life right now. One thing remaining so thankfully constant, however, is my faith in G-d, and I feel that some ways, I was being given little things to prepare me for this month (though I suppose that I would also be correct in wondering if something is trying to test my medication doses).

I think more will come on this theme, so check back or subscribe to my new posts, but for now, please keep my Nana in your thoughts.

“In my life, I’ve loved them all…”